


Ikigai

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Child Death, Death, F/M, Minor Character Death, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 08:57:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7164530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her reason for being was always him. Prompt using the Japanese word "Ikigai".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ikigai

 

生き甲斐, or ikigai, she had once read. It had stuck with her throughout her tumultuous journey traveling between universes. A reason for being. **  
**

It was the lone decoration in her otherwise dull flat - a stitched canvas with the word bold and bright atop a calming image of a mountain range. She would look to it for strength, especially when she felt all hope was lost.

When the walls began to break down and the dimension cannon had suddenly come to life, Rose was the first to volunteer for the trial run.

Before she had left, Mickey had stopped her, staring into her eyes imploringly. “Are you sure about this? It’s never been tested. You could be scattered into atoms for all we know.”

She’d clenched her jaw and held her head high, her face betraying no emotion. “Of course I am. After all, what do I have to lose?”

A deep frown settled on his mouth and he’d backed away. He’d never mentioned it again.

The first world she had visited has been lovely, so much more than any universe she had lived in. The whole of mankind lived in harmony and welcomed her with open arms and gifts of splendor, absolutely ecstatic at the idea of a guest in their own private Nirvana. She had gone back to Torchwood with a bright smile on her face, feeling more at peace than she’d ever remembered. Later, it was something she’d come to regret - it made the later trips excruciating and unexpected.

For the second, she had almost believed she was home. Even passed Shareen at one point, though she had to hide away - they had already grieved her, after all. She only realized her mistake when she took notice of the cars driving on the right. With a sigh, she had pressed the button to bring her home, deep disappointment clear on her face.

The third was when she’d realized she couldn’t die. A bullet straight through her heart as soon as she’d appeared, and though horrid paid tore through her she’d never once knocked on death’s door.

It wasn’t until the 89th jump that she had found her picture. She could admit that her spirit had been slowly dying, but seeing something so simple as she traveled the busy streets of Tokyo has sparked something inside her. She had to go on, for the sake of the universe. For _him_.

After her 1030th attempt, she had sat in front of the picture for hours. She had landed on a planet in the Arian galaxy, billions of lightyears from Earth. It was war torn, a planet the Doctor would have most certainly visited. It was then that she had realized she had finally found the correct universe. Despite the burning building a few blocks away, a smile adorned her lips. She was home. Either too early or too late for the Doctor, but she was home.

A click had sounded behind her. She’d turned swiftly, jumping to her feet and on guard as she had been trained, but the sight before her had caused her eyes to widen in surprise. The first thing that registered was not the sleek metal gun in hand, but the young boy behind it. He could not have been more than six years old, feet bare and clothes torn.

“No trespassing allowed, off-worlder.” The voice that had come from the boy had chilled her to the core - it was inhuman and harmonic, a small pre-pubescent timber mixed with a deep growl. It reminded her of the exorcism movies Mickey would make her watch in the dead of night.

She had held up her held up her hands and taken a small step back. “Sorry. Hadn’t realized visitors weren’t allowed. Exactly how old are you?”

“Age does not matter. You will come with me.”

She could have sworn his eyes had flashed red. It had reminded her of a time long ago on an impossible planet and her heart sank. “Of course. Just...lead the way.” In twenty minutes she would be able to go back, she’d just have to keep herself alive until then.

The boy had grabbed her hand much more quickly that his young reflexing should have been able to and as he walked, he jerked with his steps.

The base had reminded her of a concentration camp. Starved civilians were huddled in the streets. Crying and begging for freedom or death. She felt sick. 

A half hour had passed and she knew she couldn’t leave just yet. She had been first and foremost trained by the Doctor; she couldn’t leave these people to suffer.

She’d quickly learned that the boy was indeed possessed - by demons she didn’t believe in or cruel and tangible invaders she could accept, she wasn’t sure. When she’d confronted the thing inside, she’d seen a glimpse of the poor child trapped inside.

Tears had streamed down his face and he shakily fell to the ground. “Please, miss. _Help me_.” He had cried out and gripped his head, his limbs twisting at impossible angles, before he’d been lost once again.

Soon enough, she’d realized there was no hope. The entity had become a part of him - he’d been dead long before she’d come along. With a hesitant sigh, she’d dropped down next to him and had pulled him close. He’d clinged to his innocent soul and had fought back to the surface, but for how long Rose didn’t know. She’d stroked his hair and willed the tears that had welled in her eyes away. If he’d lived much longer, the planet would be destroyed.

She had shushed him and rubbed his back in soothing motions. “Don’t worry, love. I’ll make it better.” She’d closed her eyes as she’d grabbed her gun and pointed it directly to his head. He’d shaken in her arms and the being had begun fighting his way to the surface once again, realizing his existence was in danger. She’d flinched as she’d pulled the trigger, finding a small amount of solace in his instantaneous execution. At least she had been able to give him a painless death.

Another universe had her fighting a war that was not her own, befriending a joyful man with bright eyes - the last thing she’d heard was his last dying plea as she’d blinked out of existence.

Three weeks later, Rose had found the adipose and a woman with fiery hair and a personality to match. She had made sure to flash back into the other universe before she could catch sight of the TARDIS - it was too early and she knew she’d be tempted.

It was another month before she’d been able to tap into a television on a planet made of diamonds. Her breath had caught at the sight of _him_ , so close yet so far away. She’d called to him, knowing full well he couldn’t hear, and then it was gone.

A day later, everything was wrong. The Doctor was dead, drowned underneath the Thames, her heart taken along with him. She had to fix it, _this wasn’t supposed to happen_. She had met Donna Noble again, her previous assumptions of the vivacious redhead proved right. Too soon, she’d convinced the woman to take her own life.

It was then she’d realized how jaded she had become.

oOo

She now stood on an abandoned street, awaiting her Doctor’s arrival. She took a deep breath, a sudden bout nerves overcoming her. She grasped her large Dalek-proof gun tightly as the TARDIS began to materialize meters away. She watched as the Doctor and Donna stepped out of the TARDIS. She ducked behind a car as they checked the area; the Doctor turned to Donna and she stepped back into her original spot, slowly walking forward.

Donna looked over his shoulder and her lips moved and then the Doctor was slowly turning around, eyes wide.

The first bit of joy she’d felt in months coursed through her veins as a large grin spread across her face. He began to run to her and she followed his example - she was sure they looked like a cliche romantic drama, but that was the least of her worries. They crashed into each other and then suddenly his lips her one hers.

Desperation seeped through the kiss. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her as close as possible, afraid she would disappear if he let go. They were so wrapped up in each other that they failed to hear the Dalek behind them.

Jack showed up just in time, blasting it to pieces. She and the Doctor tore apart, eyes wide in surprise.

Jack smiled at them. “Just like the Chula warship.” He turned to Donna. “Had been transported and didn’t even notice.”

The Doctor blushed and looked down at his feet and Rose rolled her eyes. She looked toward the TARDIS, eager to be inside her home. “We should all go back to the TARDIS. We have business to attend to.”

The Doctor blinked at her authoritative tone, but listened nonetheless.

Later on, in the middle of the Dalek empire, Rose stood in front of the complicated mainframe. She’d seen it before, the design, though she couldn’t quite remember where. That was hardly the point, however; the only thing that mattered is she knew the exact switch to use to end it all.

Without much hesitation she pushed the large red button, eager for the adventure to be over. She pointedly kept her gaze away from the Doctor who was staring at her with a slack jaw. Once the Daleks began to explode and the ship deteriorated before their eyes, she rushed to the TARDIS. “Everyone inside! We don’t have much time!”

They also listened without a second thought, quickly realizing the impending danger. The Doctor busied himself flipping levers on the console to take planet Earth back home. Rose felt the eyes of the recent past companion, Martha, trained on her. When she looked up, it wasn’t one full of contempt but disbelief. She decided not to read into it.

Once the Earth was back in place and everyone was safely home - her mother and Mickey included; she would mourn them later - she hurried to her room, not wanting to face the Doctor just yet.

He knocked on her door later that evening. She called him in and watched as he stood before her, face blank as he stared.

She swallowed uneasily. “I had no choice. You couldn’t do it, I know you couldn’t. You can hate me, but _I had no choice_.” She took a deep breath and her chest tightened when he stayed silent. “You’re upset. Perhaps you even hate me now, realize I’m no longer the Rose you saw on that beach.” She iced over, finding comfort in her anger. “Maybe you don’t love me anymore, and that’s fine.”

He was still for a handful of moments before slowly walking forward and taking a seat next to her on the bed. He turned to her and studied her face and then pulled her into his arms. “I’m so sorry.” He tangled a hand in her hair and the other was pressing softly against her back. “I could never hate you.” His lips were pressed against the crown of her head. “I love you. That will _never_ change.”

Suddenly everything hit her at once. All those months worth of pain, the emotions she had locked away in order to survive, coming to the surface. She let out a choked sob and buried her face in his shoulder, the relief almost palpable. She banged her forehead against him a couple times as she broke down, her walls irreversibly torn down. “I’m so tired, Doctor. _I’m_ _just_ _so tired_.”

Tears streamed down the Doctor’s face as he held her closer and shared in her grief. “I know, love. But you’re not alone anymore. You’re safe.” Some time later he pulled away enough to kiss her. Gentle presses of lips soon became demanding, the overwhelming grief changing into lust.

They made love for the first time, carefully piecing each other back together once again. Once they were sated, the Doctor settled her against his chest and stared up at the ceiling. After a long pause, he finally spoke, his tone quiet and vulnerable. “How long are you going to stay with me?”

She pushed herself up to look him in the eyes, conveying the deep and unconditional love she had felt since the beginning. “Forever.”


End file.
